Relationships and love is the eternal topic during our life. And we are always keen on finding the love myths. At the same time, we also wondering: How love works?
We may run into all kinds of people in our growth process. Some become our friends and accompany with us for a long time, some disappear in a few period. “Everybody has one soul mate.” “True lovers can read each others minds.” “All you need is love.” A psychotherapist said. The psychotherapist has pointed some flaw in some of the romance’s little fairy tales.
Diana de Vegh believes that everyone can meet their true love. And if ask her the question like which song connect in her mind when talking about the love myths? She can give us some hackneyed and stereotyped expressions — such as our better half, our shining knight and the person we’ll be lost without. de Vegh says that those kind of thoughts are baleful. She calls it the myth of love scarcity. “In the scarcity model, where there’s only one person out there, we’re all competing for the guy who’s rich and handsome,” she says. We become feared to build a relationship, although have the fascinated yearn for it. In the following, we will read a viewpoint of the love and relationship based on the opinion of De Veg, a therapist in private practice in New York, about how love works.
De Veg is a beautiful , casually and elegant woman who has a pair of blue eyes. She meets the clients in her well—decorated Greenwich Village office where would make others feel comfortable and confidence. She suffered in an affair with then president John F. Kennedy—or perhaps become her ultimate fairy-tale prince. She has a deepen recognize of the fantasy romance with her own experiences and those of so many of the women she has counseled over the past 15 years.De Veg said, “Love is the ideological bone women have been thrown”, which means only the men get the real power in our life. As for women, they are only be regarded as a kind of form of the romantic. And finally, there is someone special will understand us and willing to share us his thoughts. Which becomes the love myths of ourselves.
About the mind reading, De Veg said sharply: “Mind reading is useful between a mother and an infant but not in a sexual relationship between adults.” The craving for the attention of finding those people who can give safety to us is rampant, De Veg as well. “I see women all the time who say they’re looking for romantic relationships, but I believe they’re really looking to be parented. We all want to feel special and dear, with our foibles bathed in the loving glow of a doting father,At the same time that we want Daddy’s strong arms, we also want a mother’s sweetness and tenderness.” said De Veg. But when the romantic is over, we would feel very frustrated.
About the sense of security, De Veg thinks which is the reason we fall in love with our fathers. And when we grown up, we want to keep an adult partnership with them. Of course, the precondition is we have a good relationship with ourselves. She also thinks that we should love ourselves more than others. She said: “It’s when you view yourself as powerless, with your worth dependent on how someone else treats you, that love gets corrupted. Letting men determine who we are is the negative hinge that turns desire into vulnerability, changes our bodies from sites of pleasure to sites of betrayal, and transforms solitude into loneliness. I think that when people say they’re lonely, what they’re really saying is that they don’t like their own company. And something should be done about that, because if you don’t like your own company, then you’re the victim of whoever passes by”.
So, how to establish a healthy relationship?
De Veg compare this as the “salad theory”— “Just as a salad needs some lettuce, a little tomato, cucumber, this and that, a full life involves friends, work, arts, and community”. Actually, we can find the love everywhere. But the question is who we would pay our sincere heart for and why it is him. We could find that the relationships between our parent are natural and individual. The most important is the communication of soul. Only if we are consistent in the view of world, value and life, we can get along well with each other. However, this consistence is not decided by the feeling and others view. Such as, if someone said “Here’s what I think about the world; what do you think?” We must get our own opinion instead of cater him. De Veg said：“We wouldn’t be looking to get our needs met. Adults meet their own needs.” We should spend time to understand and merge.
Indeed, it is impossibility that one always win during the relationship. De Veg thinks that we can’t label ourselves as losers in love. She said: “If it turns out that you and your partner have a different view of reality, that’s good to know. You can honor that, and find someone who shares your view. If you’re losing yourself in a relationship and he has all the power, it’s important to take the self-respecting action of leaving and learning from the experience.The best thing that can happen after a breakup is that you declare, I give up any hope of ever being parented the way I wish I’d been when I was a child.” And finally，when we overcome all those failure, we may find real pleasure based love.
When we drop the sour chord of scarcity, dependency, and fear, we may find the true love, establish the healthy love and relationships and create the wonderful “love myths”.